When Success Becomes a Hiding Place

Years ago, I lived in a house in Decatur, Georgia, that we did a massive renovation on. We added onto the house and eventually had to redo most of the landscaping around it. It was a big project, and somewhere along the way we had a sprinkler system installed.

I remember standing there watching the sprinkler system operate and thinking, I have arrived.

A sprinkler system.

Now keep in mind that this addition included about 1,000 heated square feet and outdoor living space with a fireplace. But it was the sprinkler system for me. Geez...

I realize that is not exactly private-jet-level success, but at that point in my life it meant something to me. I had built a business. I had a beautiful home. I could afford to have someone install a system that automatically watered my grass. Somewhere along the way, that had apparently become one of my definitions of success.

And I remember thinking that maybe I could finally ease up a little. I had worked hard for years. I had built something. I had arrived.

Then came this sinking feeling I still remember.

Now what?

I had spent so much time pursuing the next thing that I had never really considered what would happen if I got it. Apparently, the answer was not that I would relax and enjoy my success. The answer was that I needed to find something else to chase.

At the time, I blamed a lot of the pressure I felt on other people and circumstances. The business needed me. My family needed me. There were bills and employees and responsibilities. There was always something that had to be done.

Some of that was true.

What I did not understand was how much of the pressure was coming from me.

Nobody was standing behind me telling me I needed to keep going. I had built a life I once would have considered successful, and somehow that was not enough. I needed another goal. Another challenge. Another way to prove something I did not even realize I was trying to prove.

So I kept going.

When Achievement Becomes Your Self-Worth

There are obvious places people hide.

Drugs. Alcohol. Gambling. We recognize those because eventually the damage becomes difficult to ignore.

Success is different.

Nobody is particularly worried about you when your hiding place produces revenue.

If you work constantly and build a successful company, we call you driven. If you train relentlessly and get into incredible shape, we call you disciplined. If you keep setting bigger goals and accomplishing them, we call you ambitious.

Those things are not inherently bad. I still love doing hard things. I still want to build businesses, pursue goals, work out hard and find out what I am capable of.

But I have started to understand there is a difference between wanting to accomplish something and needing to accomplish something.

The difference is difficult to see from the outside.

It can be difficult to see from the inside too.

If part of your self-worth comes from what you accomplish, success works incredibly well for a while. You accomplish something difficult and feel good about yourself. You get the promotion. Your company grows. You make more money. You finish the race. You buy the house. You install the sprinkler system.

There it is.

Evidence.

I am doing well. I am successful. I am enough.

The problem is that the feeling does not last.

The sprinkler system eventually just waters the grass.

Why Success Never Feels Like Enough

I think this is part of what makes being a high achiever so complicated.

There is always another level.

If you build a $1 million company, there is someone building a $5 million company. If you run a marathon, someone is running an ultra. If you make more money, your lifestyle has an incredible ability to figure out what to do with it.

The finish line keeps moving because we are the ones moving it.

I used to think much of the pressure in my life was coming from somewhere else. Looking back, I can see how often I created it myself. Nobody had given me a number and told me that once I reached it, I could finally be satisfied. I was the one making the rules, and apparently I had forgotten to include a definition of enough.

That is a dangerous game because you can win constantly and still feel like you are losing.

This is where achievement can quietly become tied to self-worth. If accomplishing something makes me feel valuable, then what happens when I stop accomplishing?

Who am I on a day when I do nothing impressive?

That is not an easy question for someone who has spent years being rewarded for producing.

It is much easier to set another goal.

Sometimes the Hard Thing Is the Hiding Place

Around that same period of my life, I was working out five days a week at 8:30 in the morning. The point about 8:30 is that I used to work out at 05:30. Then I moved it to regular business hours to burn more daytime. 

Apparently, just working out was not enough either.

So I started running the three miles to the gym, doing the workout, and running three miles home.

I said it was for my dog.

My dog did love to run, so once again, the story was not a lie. That is what makes our stories so useful. We usually build them around something true.

But I did not need to run six miles every time I went to the gym because my dog needed exercise.

It gave me somewhere else to go.

Eventually, I would run ultramarathons. I am incredibly grateful for those experiences and for what running taught me about myself. The ultras were not the hiding place for me.

Sometimes the training was.

That is an important distinction.

Exercise is healthy. Working hard is good. Setting goals can change your life. Discipline has served me incredibly well.

Any of them can also become a place to hide.

I think high achievers can be especially susceptible to this because our hiding places are socially acceptable. Better than acceptable. They are celebrated.

Nobody looks at the person who worked all day, ran six miles, crushed a workout and ran home and thinks, "That person might be avoiding something."

They usually think, "Damn. I wish I had that kind of discipline."

Sometimes discipline is discipline.

Sometimes you are running because being still is harder.

Workaholism Does Not Always Look Like a Problem

We tend to measure unhealthy behavior by the damage we can see.

That makes workaholism particularly tricky for entrepreneurs and founders because the behavior can produce incredible results. The business grows. People get hired. Customers are happy. Money gets made.

How could that be a problem?

Maybe the question is not how many hours you work. Maybe it is what happens inside you when you stop.

Can you sit on the couch on a Saturday afternoon without feeling like you should be doing something?

Can you miss a workout without needing to make up for it?

Can you hit a goal without immediately replacing it with a bigger one?

Can you experience a win without explaining why it really is not that big of a deal?

Can you be proud of yourself without attaching that pride to something you produced?

I am not sure I could have answered all of those questions the way I would have wanted to.

I was good at doing.

Doing gave me somewhere to put my energy, and there was always more available. Work will take every hour you give it. So will training. So will ambition.

They never tell you that you have done enough.

You have to decide that.

A Word for the Men

There is one small piece of this I would say specifically to men because I think many of us confuse providing for the people we love with giving ourselves to the people we love.

We tell ourselves we are working this hard for the house, the car, the membership, the boat, the vacation and the security. We want to provide a great life.

There is nothing wrong with that.

But if they love you, thy want your soul.

They want you.

The things may be nice, but they are not a substitute for access to the person who worked so hard to provide them.

That is probably worth remembering before we sacrifice ourselves to give people things they never asked us to sacrifice ourselves for.

The Problem Is Not Success

I do not think the answer is to stop chasing things.

I certainly have not.

I have no interest in making my life smaller because ambition can become unhealthy. I still want big goals. I still like hard workouts. I still want to build things. I still want to find the edges of what I think I can do and push on them a little.

The difference I am trying to understand is whether I am pursuing something because I want it or because I need it to tell me something about myself.

Those can look exactly the same.

One person can build a company because building it makes them feel alive. Another can build the exact same company because every new level temporarily quiets the voice telling them they are not good enough.

One person can train for an ultramarathon because they want to know whether they can finish it. Another can need the training because it gives them a place to hide from the conversation they know they needed to have that day.

Most of us are probably some combination of both.

That is why I do not think this is really an article about entrepreneur burnout, work-life balance or even workaholism.

It is about enough.

When do you get to be enough?

If the answer is after the next goal, I can save you some time.

There will be another goal.

I had the business. I had the house. I had the sprinkler system.

I remember thinking I had arrived.

And then almost immediately, I needed somewhere else to go.

I wish I had understood then what I understand now.

You cannot accomplish your way into being enough.

There is no revenue number that will finally settle the question. There is no race distance, body fat percentage, title, house, award or accomplishment that gets to make that decision for you.

That does not mean you stop pursuing them.

It means you stop asking them to do a job they were never capable of doing.

Success can build an incredible life.

It just cannot tell you that you are enough.

That part is yours.